caught in the cycle

2011-02-13T13:44:00.003-05:00

the silent cage

2009-01-14T02:57:00.008-05:00

she is reminiscent
lost in thought
...he enters. And she is silent.
In her noise.

deepest heart of hearts
you know not
what you enter upon
a girl on a mission
(she will neglect you)
and make you feel

want
you've never felt

mistake
to take
from her
that which she most desires

love

simple and deep
complicated and without measure

all that she is
all that she breathes
stolen
without a second chance
...without a heave of your beautiful chest

and still...
she smiles
cuz she still feels
heaven on her lips
hands on her hips

...numbness...
on her penciled quips

So...she
Craves
Orgasmic
Treasures
True

(make me feel something
deeper than dull rage
...but softer than this silent cage)

cleveland and vicinity

2008-05-28T07:45:00.000-05:00

i pick up a piece
of the past
from the bottom of a box
my mind tracing
the memories it inspires

like a road map

cleveland and vicinity

a little smile, a little sadness
knowing i can never
take that road again
you can't recapture a feeling
(he said)

this overflowing box of journals and letters and poems
on napkins
disagrees
with lake effect force

cuz here i am
feeling
gone
straight back to that moment
in time

he's gone
forever
(that's a mighty big word)
and he was wrong

cleveland and vicinity

i can feel you
feel me back
cuz here i come
back to my
independence
(and my arabica flavored dreams)

hello, cleveland...and goodbye

strange ways...

2008-02-18T09:13:00.002-05:00

In June of 1998...i was 8 months pregnant with my son and was incapable of making it to the infamous Mahoning Valley Rib Burn-Off...and this is what i missed...

...and this is what that cutie lead singer of 10 years ago is up to these days--besides being my awesome boyfriend *smiling* :

halloween girl

2008-02-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

sadness seeps
the confusion is free
as she realizes
why she has to obsess
digress, constantly seek and think too deep
and then she resents

her motive so clear now
she's just struggling to close that big gap
--but he takes a wider stance
away from her now--
he no longer sees
she clings to, holds on to
something
anything
to keep her connection

his secret
her obsession
attaching her heart to it
the only way she feels tight
and close to him now

lost all that she was
all that she could've been
when he lost his
naive little starstruck
halloween girl

she looks at you
from outside of herself
running and seeking
trying to find a way out of her disguise
she wants you to feel like home

when she looks in your eyes
when she feels your strong, soothing hands
she still knows
that she's so far away
knowing what she knows

and she's been so unfair to him now, for too long
but her selfish desires and fears
they combat his lies and resent his honest eyes
and mess with her only intention...to love
with her eyes on the prize

so she's all alone
--a fallen angel, broken wings--
on a stranger's front porch, looking in
arms outstretched, wanting to come in

the emptiness
it swallows her whole

hanging right between her and him
between every feeling and thought
in her heart and her mind

she longs to be that girl
that other girl
perched on the porch
with a trick and a treat

full of bliss, ignorance at its best
no costume to hide behind

...so free to fly

g-spot

2008-02-14T09:15:00.001-05:00

i somehow lost my spine
swallowed much too much
melting into a twisted, salacious vine

my backbone

---slowly fused to the depths
of some G-spot in my throat,
swallowing much too much---

lays in a yard somewhere
between here and him and alone

tell me

2008-01-17T09:13:00.000-05:00

tell me
if i told you
if i said it
would you run?
would you hide?
would it make you insane?
or would you say the same

tell me
if i let you see me weak
would you pull away
would you push so hard
would you find me outseek me
or would you just freak

tell me
i need to know
when you say sleeptightwithme
do you know i take it
straight to my heart
take it as you wanting
to let yourself fall
into me
hard and fast
and lay yourself down and out
before me
open and gushing, raw and unhidden

tell me
if i said it
so far gone
in so deep
wanting to relent to the throes
so head over head over head over toes
tell me what you'd do
tell me what new things would seep
from your bones from your eyes from your candy sweet mouth

i so need to know
but so afraid to find out
so i hide it
so deep so inside me so hidden from all
they wink and they smirk and they smile and flirt

they...
could never have me
cuz i'm so already had.

so just tell me...
do i have you right back?
don't make me run
to see if you'd chase
don't make me push
to see if you'd pull
don't make me hide
to see if you'd look
tell me
you're already here

tell me
just tell me
to stay

soulmate

2007-12-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

a beautiful song/video sent to me by a beautiful soul.

"who doesn't long for
someone to hold
who knows how to love you
without being told

here we are again
circles never end
how do i find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but i'm still waiting in line"

--natasha bedingfield--

eyes

2007-12-13T00:05:00.000-05:00

our eyes speak volumes
it's deafening at times
the quiet is so loud
i feel the blood rushing
rushing to my hot spot
drumming in my brain
fluttering thru my stomach
pulsing in my ears
grabbing at my heart
blasting over the miles
and i know i don't ever
have to say a thing
never need to tell you
what i feel
cuz i know...
you feel it all

and your eyes...
i see them lingering there
behind closed lids
in my awake dreams and at night
you're so in me,
so a part of my every move
you anticipate my thought patterns
and echo my passion perfectly
we say so much
without a spoken word

so don't ever be redundant
or try to simplify this love
cuz i'm oh so aware
so alive n hot n ready
always waiting for those phrases
those urgent words and chants
you scream at me
thru your eyes

like that one song
i always crank up in the car,
throwing back my head n singing,
like that song i always want to hear

...your eyes
are music to my ears

heads

2007-11-19T09:18:00.000-05:00

funny how
you can just turn on me like a dime
and i'm left blinded by the glare
of the shiny backside of your untrustworthy
head

one

2007-11-19T07:03:00.000-05:00

to one she is the one
to one she'll always be
a heartbreaker, the one that got away
to one she's been the other woman
to another she cheated on 'n strayed
to one she was a wife
to one a loving mother
to one she is the standard "perfect woman"
a guide to any other "one" he meets
to some she's such a fantasy, of eye candy
the ultimate, the instant
sexual turn-on
catching their eyes, turning heads, she catches their breath
and yet she doesn't bat an eye
to one she is a velvet voice
longed for, so far, for so long, so away
to one she gives and gives to, all her heart n soul
to one she seems a sure thing, a geometric "given"
forced invisible, lost...fighting the inevitable fade
into patterns, cycles that repeat
then slowly turn to jade
to one she screams to silently at nite
love me hard n true
let go
and let me love you all the way, in all ways

all this--she asks--in one day?

tear down my walls

2007-11-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

seduce my senses
tear down my walls
jump over my fences
and cushion my fall
i must stop my hiding
but the truth is so cold
i don't like confiding
cuz i might lose my hold

random and beautiful

2007-07-24T06:57:00.000-05:00

i wonder what it's like
to swing both ways
to love with no cages
to slide thru the bars
without care who you harm

i wonder what it's like
to glide thru the cracks
to go unnoticed when you burn
when you learn not to run
from what hurts and what chases

i wonder what it's like
to live without lovers
to starve without cravers
to hide behind images
you created for others

i wonder what it's like
to be graceless and useless
to be whipped and be beaten
as those people you put up there
to protect you and to love you
fall off their imposing pedestals

the fall might break you
but what if it makes you
who you should've already been

random and beautiful and broken
...and filled to the brim

all of me

2007-07-23T08:35:00.000-05:00

won't let you jade me
like the others

hurt me
slice me
wide open
i'd so rather feel that
than nothing at all

i think you fear the unknown
and don't know how to handle me
i think you know
i'm too much for you
that i deserve more
i think you feel guilty
for holding onto me
when you know
you're not enough
this is NOT enough
when you know
you smother my shine

and so you float
and hover
even though
i know i make you feel
so alive

you wade in me
barely soaking your pant legs
just out of reach
in your bubble of denial
i want you
...up to your neck in me
treading frantically
i want you to jump in
with both feet
into the deep end
of me
sink your teeth in
and dive
fall into me...fall
be immersed in me
swim thru my heart
and swallow
what you need
to survive

and i want that to be...
all of you
...in all of me

what you are to me

2007-06-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

it all adds up
to be
what you are to me
feel you escaping
my pen
in streaming lust
watch you
wanting me
the way the music
craves the words

your eyes
complete my unfinished thoughts
your lips
pulling verses from my mouth
your tongue
strumming my strings
a symphony of moans

touch me, gush me
heartstring strum me
make me sing

make me stir and change

make me...become

what you are to me
when i feel you
escaping my pen
in streams and lines of font and song

ooh, ooooh! magic!

2007-06-08T12:45:00.000-05:00

this clip from scrubs featuring david copperfield makes me n my boyfriend laugh, spit, cry n snort;)

black n white

2007-06-08T12:44:00.000-05:00

love is never black and white
it's shades of grey and green and pain

and pain makes you stronger and jaded
...and drunker and thinner
*she laughs*

knowing so much of who she is
is who she loves

so she stands here still, staring at her love's reflection

a stranger to herself, "she's been everybody else's girl"
sleeping with strangers is somehow safer, she thinks

lowered expectations and all that

luv in b&w (picture circa june 2005)

2007-05-31T23:47:00.000-05:00

love in b&w

bitemeimwelsh

2007-03-16T09:06:00.000-05:00

so...st. patrick's day marks a pretty profound turning point in my life that inevitably led me to where i am today....with my boyfriend of 2 years and 9 months, burke.

no, i'm not irish. not even a little bit.

but 3 years ago to this day, on st.patrick's day, after a night of drinks and friends and laughs and irish pub-hopping--and bite marks on my neck from drunken boys who took my hand-made t-shirt that read "bite me i'm welsh" seriously--that i came home and signed up on match.com.

yes, i said MATCH.COM

so on this fateful nite...having been separated from my now ex-husband for approximately a year, and feeling somewhat exasperated with the "quality" of men i was meeting out at bars...i decided to do it just for fun, almost as a joke. not thinking i'd actually meet anyone WORTHY of me, not to sound cocky...

...of course my name on there was "bitemeimwelsh" to signify the evening i had just had. with a sassy--but tasteful--picture to match, of course.

about 2 months later, i was about to quit said stupid match site, since it was seriously becoming more like WORK to wade through the 30-40 emails a DAY that having my profile up on this site created. i'd met some new friends, gone on a couple of dates. nothing special.

and then i received this one email. from this man who spoke of music and life and me and unconditional love and...i wrote him back immediately. even though he said this was actually the second time he'd written me, that i'd never responded to the first. *giggle* cuz he was out of my age range (come on, a girl's gotta be picky: only men age 25-35 please. thank you...he was 37 at the time).

so we met about 2 weeks later, after many emails, long phone conversations and instant messages. and we've basically been together every single day since.

so...happy st. patrick's day to you all! i have a lot to celebrate this year.

burke is irish, of course. and sometimes i get a lil' bit 'o' irish in me, too.

*eyeroll*

in honor of valentine's day yesterday...

2007-02-15T07:27:00.000-05:00

"don't worry about this heart of mine...

...just leave the pieces when ya go"

thick, deep and swallowed

2007-01-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

never even thought
it would hit me this way
never even dreamed
it would hit me this fast
it hurts
and i'm happy
i'm gut-wrenchingly sad...

his eyes
seem honest
his touch is his desire
his words
melt my knees
and part my lips to kiss
his eyes
seem honest
and i know that they can't be

never even wondered
if it would hit me at all

it has
he has
and it's thick, deep
and i am swallowed.

revelation

2006-12-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

your words rip right through me
finding deep and secret places in my mind
unlocking passages and tinglings others have yet to find
melting me into revelation
you outseek me, beseech me, sweetly teach me
tasting my tears of fury
i'm pulsating into puddles
the depths in which i'd drown too much
without your teeth and tongue and touch

L.A.

2006-11-13T10:15:00.000-05:00

biting my lip till it bleeds
to make this pain more concrete
i swear i can still feel you
like we share the same heartbeat
the fear and the dread
of what awaits me at home

where i'm out of my element
and my heart is on ROAM

i miss you i need you i want you
i want to go back there
where it's not just the city
that feels so much like home
it's you
and your hands in my hair

so i'm biting my lip...till it bleeds
remembering and reliving it
feeling the emptiness that surrounds me
but i've got these imprints of you
all over me...
they're driven by a wish

and i hope i never stop feeling your kiss

2006-10-18T08:31:00.000-05:00

construction

2006-10-18T08:16:00.000-05:00

jaded and alone
with people all around
holding in my tears
holding my heart together
with my teeth
barely breathing
but oh so needing
something to replace the pain

so i'm not so jaded anymore
so what
cuz the pain--i can taste it--
it's in my tears
and in my fear
of choosing wrong and choosing bad
hard and fast now
i cry out loud
slamming doors and hugging my dog
wailing and bailing
on stupid life things
things so insignificant
i'm paralyzed by the routine
all crammed in and crowded here
with selfish people all around
not so jaded
...so i remain here...stubborn
his words echoing in my ears
as months turn into years
he missed out on all my warmth
as he doesn't hear my calls
you will be...alone, my love...he says
deserving of destruction
if you keep up that construction
of your untouchable, unbreakable walls.

battle of the album covers

2006-10-11T08:58:00.000-05:00

Battle of The Album Covers

this made me freakin HYSTERICAL. definitely MUST SEE, sent to me by my friend jeffrey. *unintentional rhyme*

i think my favorite part is when the dead kennedy's symbol fights the van halen symbol...ha! awesome.

hide

2006-09-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

hide
you hide
something deep n dark n secret
from me
and think i can't see
you speak
with gaps
sideways glances
n second chances
yet
hide
you hide
singing from somewhere
you won't let me see
from some depth
that lies
in the pit of you
unclaimed and sourceless
yet
hide
you hide
and let me drift
from you
to somewhere
farther and darker
that you
at your deepest depth
cannot see
as you sink further into me
my life
my heart
my home
once again
...i'm on roam
out of area
as i'm slowly learning
to fill the gaps
alone
as you fall farther and faster
from me
so hide
you hide
these words
you cannot see
a testament
to
the tattooed toll
it takes
on me

the jellybricks

2006-09-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

how i spent my saturday nite...seeing my favorite band--friend larry is the lead singer--to catch live. they are SO dayum TIGHT. yay! haven't seen them play in over 2 years at my old high school/college haunt(ha, i got carded THIS time) cedars lounge in downtown y-town. cuz they moved to harrisburg.

be sure to check them out! they have 3 cd's for sale on itunes n EVERYthing, those cutesy little joiners! so proud to know 'em.

you said

2006-08-26T10:51:00.000-05:00

you said i was wise
beyond the years i've been
standing around on this earth

you said tell me who you love
and i'll tell you who you are

you said don't look at me, melt me like that
you said just drive
you said no woman had ever gotten away
with speaking to you like that
since the first girl you loved
(who later broke your heart)

and secretly inside, my jaw dropped cuz that
was when i first knew you had indeed
fallen
(on the outside i was the epitomy of cool
the girl no one knew could GET heartbroken)

and now, i've been standing around
walking around
with my hair in my face
covering my eyes
hiding my heart
since the moment you left
missing your voice and your laugh
your sarcasm and analogies
your stories and opinions

your every move and look
in my direction

i pushed you away
and you pushed back my hair
saw straight thru to my heart
and pushed my heart away
and i'm still standing
and walking all over this earth
with my hair in my face
and my heart safely covered
and concealed
and here i am...

you said this would happen
if i kept building my walls
yeah, here i am...so guarded

and so alone

back to me

2006-08-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

asleep in my bed
struggling hard in my heart and my head
forcing the brakes and the breaks
on us
self-destructive thoughts and panic shakes
what to do
how to be
everything complicating
you and me
wanting to just spin around
smack back to the beginning
what we found
so easily
now comes not so
pushing you away
flipping over onto my side
away from you
i go
missing you before i'm gone
yes feeling trapped and scared
tied to you
but wanting no one but you
lost confused
wanting to bolt
from the comfiness
go back to your house
where things were so light
and real life issues
never played a part
i'm not good at this
love thing
been alone for so long
unhealthy patterns
already creeping up
making me want to scream
needing more
taking less
insanity overtaking me once again
not understanding
why you don't give me what i need
so fast not anymore
i already need more than you can give
are you enough for me?
are we enough
scared that we're settling
into routine and too comfy
too fast
so scared
soooo scared
to lose the intensity
you still don't reach for me
the way that you did
and so i pull back
out of your reach before you come to me
smashed back to reality
as i sleep but not dream
write but not say a damn thing

so tight

2006-07-28T08:13:00.000-05:00

sleeptight
you won't
fight sleep
i will
you run to me
i know you do
safely in your dreams
you run
you come right home
to me
suck in all my words
i know you do
yet you still
run from this
run from
me and
you
piggybacking me
letting me carry the weight
of this love
this burden
so heavy
so light
so TIGHT

hello goodbye

2006-07-20T15:03:00.000-05:00

we say hello while saying goodbye...

you...

so amazing
so exasperating
too perfect
and too flawed
my depth
and my emptiness
so out-of-body
so of my mind
open
to me
and closed
from me

you...
my death
while my so alive
my breath
while my choke
my crave
my repulsion
my favorite, my need...
my pet peeve

you...
my pain
and my pleasure
my purgatory
and my nirvana,
my 1984

you...
intense and my comfort
intense and my hell
sanguine and my heaven
my wound and my scar
...my healing, my miracle

you...
my music
my deafening silence
my cry
and my laugh
my scream
and my moan
my fear
and my known
my squalor
my gift
my horror
and my ecstasy
my intangible
my touchable

you...
my best friend and
my enemy
my friend and
my lover
my hate and
...my love

you...
are hello
you
are goodbye
you
uninvited and so gone
and so welcome, at home and inside

you...
star and my sky
my dark
and my light
my moon
and my sun
my loneliness, my nowhere
my highway
...my here

my beginning
and my end.
my nothing...
while my everything.

you...

so ugly
and so beautiful
so not me
...so only me
so not like me
so like me and me alone,
so nothing
...but me

you...

are me
as i am
you...

living
separate
...together

in
the same emptiness
the same wholeness.

the same home
in
the same heart

intertwined and apart
not together
and
...never not.

--bpg--
(an old heartbreak-era poem i dug up when a friend sent me this pic)

Her Moon

2006-07-17T08:48:00.000-05:00

He arrived at her place
in the middle of his day.
And the air seemed fresher
than he'd ever remembered it.

Smiling from some distance,
framed there in her doorway,
she seemed to him an apparition
from some heaven--
if only for a moment.

Her eyes beckoned him toward her
and standing aside the open door,
she welcomed her beloved
guest.

The afternoon was carefully spent,
music and dream
were blended and consumed,
till both were sated
and serenely drifting.

She asked him to wait there
and watch her moon
while she went for smokes and
something else--he didn't hear.

The curtain flew as the door closed.

Much later, he stepped out onto the porch
and looked up to see this moon.
He reached out, longing to hold
the thing in it that was hers.
His heart stirred.

But every time he tried
to touch it,
to know her secret,
her moon drew back, unwilling, unyielding.

He puzzled,
strangely sad and weak.
For he had known how to cradle and caress
her light before.
His heart sank.

And it came to him, gradually,
that it was her purpose
to let him stand alone in that place,
to learn in those interminable silver minutes,
those things which she could not bear to tell him herself.

He turned away after a while
and he moved from the porch,
but not inside to wait.
He had only been a guest.

written by a longtime friend of mine

8/24/2004

2006-06-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

stop
slow down
i can't breathe
go back
piano...percussion?
no
a symbol
too fast
too soon
don't move
your life here
before my head
has caught up
to my heart
that once was laying
broken
all over this floor
all in parts
scattered
then healed
all alone
by myself
i built this
built me
and this home
where your heart rests
so comfy with me...not YET!

so stop
slow down
don't you hear
my head spinning
racing to catch up
with all the hearts
that seem to be winning
i instinctually rebel
push away
wanting to run
i wanna go home
back to alone
but you're all over my
here
and my now
you take care of me
go take your bow
just be my lover
for now
i'm not your wife
not your mother

stop
slow down
go back
to that time
of consuming
with un-cohabitation
of your breath catching
at the sight of me
at your house
of intense kitchen experiments
and loving my curves
and my beauty...
...and TELLING me so
i still need to hear it
i so always will
the lack of the little things
you no longer do
out of too comfy
or too tired
glare and blink obvious
like a neon vacancy sign...
they hurt my eyes

please stop
and do a self check-point
cuz i can't breathe
claustrophobic
you have no idea
my space
so stolen
and i'm stuttered and stunned
and blinking hard
to figure out how
we got here so quick
it's your changes
that change me and my energy
i'm drained
from confusion
and lack of understanding
holding things in
already
so soon
smothered overwhelmed
by my sudden lack of...ME
around here
so please stop
let me breathe
let my head catch up and see
what my heart
already knows
that i'm done
it ends with you
...but this is all
too fast
and too soon.

irony

2006-06-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

ok, so i came across this today, and laughed my head off. i mean, look at the quality of this. *coughSARCASMcough* from 10 years ago n everything!! my friend dave--the dude on the right--made this for me, after being mock-jealous of David--the guy on the left--who inevitably broke my heart. *sniff*

so. moral of this useless bpg trivia?

never trust a man you meet at a coffee shop.

*cough* well, except for starbucks. ok, never trust a man with photoshop. yeah, that's it. *smirk*

hooked

2006-05-11T10:32:00.000-05:00

hooked on my crave
pulled in and
sucked in
by your mouth and your mind
by your words and your urges
i want you to feel
my shivers and surges

you play for me as i play you
over and over in my mind's eye
hooked on
addicted
to your breath and your sighs
dreaming of licking your lips and your eyes

these flashes of passion
thrash n slash
behind our closed lids
like a strobe light i see
pieces of you
thump in my brain
...i've been trained
to respond in an instant
to the pattern of your thoughts
the imagined sound of your shots

sliding into my crave
i want you here with me
fitting me so tight
as you drum in my head
strum in my heart
thump deep inside me
feeling more like myself
when you bite my lip and feel
this lust, baby
it's all for you and it's nothing
but...real.

my brand spankin' smirk new guestmap

2006-05-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

click it, biatch!

birthday presents...

2006-05-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

go here for the full story...caution: R-rated *wink*

what happens in vegas...

2006-04-27T09:05:00.000-05:00

john's "money shot"
me on fremont
adam passed out at breakfast
john n me...drunk at breakfast
me n rachie
...stays in vegas...unless you have a BLOG!!! neener

vegas baby!

2006-04-21T20:41:00.000-05:00

me, john, ad N rachie in vegas this year:)

vegas (priceless!)

2006-04-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

i miss my long hair!

2006-04-05T08:02:00.000-05:00

yeah, i chopped my hair to shoulder length last month. but awww, look at how my boyfriend is adoringly looking at me...heh.

candleglow

2006-03-25T12:20:00.000-05:00

so much happy
accommodation for my hurting
for what i held so deep
for secret for shame
so free
so not...for keeps
so silently slipping
with slow dripping
down my fingertips
no escaping
hot wax...touching its intensity
for that instant clarity
fresh inside
unbearable heat
then eased
...by the softness
of my newfound second skin
uncovering the newness of a thorough scar
of spirit i am changed...
while my flesh remains
alive and the same
so silently melting me
calling out to the heart of this heat
to my light in my dark
heal as fast as that pain
for this pain
lingers on...never given a name

residue

2006-03-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

heart still has
that residue
of
so tight
so clenched
this pain
still real
but
i no longer
pull my hands
away from my chest
and check
for blood

2006-03-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

me n my angel

I'm a statistic

2006-03-04T12:28:00.000-05:00

I am now officially a statistic of my great *cough* city's new traffic cameras.

not now kado

2006-02-03T09:29:00.001-05:00

is it naive of me to keep searching?
and i'm beginning to wonder if i'll ever find him...
if he'll ever find me
he will be so strong
and will sweep me off my feet
take me to bed
and love without words
yet speak so eloquently
he will hold me down
and watch me come
to him very sweetly but so severely
and he will come
to me so purely and harshly
and i will know
the minute i hear his voice
the second he sees that
something in my eyes
that few have ever had permission to see
that amazingly sexy, craving-life me
and he will see it in an instant
and love me every instant after that
and we'll have long conversations
on pillows on the floor
with candles and no TV
he'll be older and wiser than me
and will teach me not to hide
he'll make me feel healthy and pure and alive
and in his arms he'll know that i love him
and the words that most couples say
will never need to be said
we won't promise forever or beg for monogamy
we won't ask unimportant questions
with answers that we don't want to hear
we won't sneak around or have to peek
we will just know and we will just BE
he'll open doors for me and pick out the places to
eat
he'll love all my friends
but look at me from across a crowded room
in a secret way that says "i love you more"
he'll seduce me and rip buttons off my clothes
he'll be rough and hungry and want me right down to
my toes
but he'll love my poems and ask me to read them
he'll smile and respect me for my heart and my mind
for all the words that i choose
and he'll come up with things to say
that i never could have dreamed
he'll whisk me away to a far-away paradise
but be content in our home
he'll look at me and think me so beautiful
and know what i'm thinking at unusual moments
he'll have such a hard body, and he'll appreciate
mine
he won't call me his girlfriend, he'll call me
his LOVE
and he'll say my name to his friends
to those he introduces me to
and he will say it with such passion, that everyone
will know
he'll put his arm around me at the movies
and let me walk in front of him
but won't mind if i don't cook him dinner
he'll love my grey sweatpants, my worn sweatshirt, my
big boots and my rings
but he'll love my short skirts, my 9-5 suits and
soft leather jacket
and he'll think me cute when i wake from a nap
with my hair all tousled and my face mascara-smeared
he'll sometimes pay for my cigarettes, yet ask me to
quit
he'll call me at odd times of the day
and will be oh-so-secure
he'll sense when i need space and leave me alone
with my aloofness and pain
he'll put the seat down and turn off the lights
he'll love my dog, he won't hit me or call me a brat
he'll sense my great capacity for love of all kinds
and won't mind all my male friends
he'll be open-minded to my whirlwind dreams and
ideas
we'll have intense debates and argue our opinions
we'll go on road trips and eat ice cream in bed
we'll laugh and love and cry over music
he won't mind my borderline insomnia
or my sometimes swift mood swings
he'll be hard-working and he'll notice my cute toes
he'll have his own friends, friends i may never meet
and i will have mine and there will never be
even a hint of jealousy
we will be a perfect fit, he'll slide in so easily
yet sweet and tight and slowly
he won't let me win arguments but he'll smile at my
stubbornness
he'll write me long letters and little notes
and make love to me in the rain
and there will be times...when he'll open the
curtains
without saying a word and he'll take off my clothes
with moans and sighs and sunshine...
he will be mine
and i will be his...
the forever is in life
and it will be in his eyes

-------the end-------------
mytypeofMan circa 1995

tokens

2006-01-16T12:51:00.000-05:00

so tired of
chasing the light
that i so easily give
smothered by the fight
the refusal to let go
and for my light only
to live
draining me
with darkness
hiding in a world
--i am only given glimpses--
those tokens
so tarnished
by the moods so swift
they shift
unfurled
smack into my
infinite swirl

and still i am not dark
for there is no space
safe
enough in me
to stay down
with you and yours

...everybody else's girl...

2005-12-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

"...maybe one day she'll be her own"

"though i'm not 17
i've got cuts on my knees
falling down
...as the winter
takes one more cherry tree
...she's been EVERYBODY ELSE'S GIRL..."
--tori amos

carl's jr....the gangstah of coolest of cats

2005-12-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

sunday nites...

2005-12-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

...never felt like this
all warm n wondering
what you'll feel like
when we kiss
it's like a bet between friends
how many times...
can we make each other smile
i've already lost track
and i've yet to feel
your breath on my neck
your hands in my hair
your weight over me

and sunday nites...
never felt like this
and my thoughts all consist of
how you'd feel inside me
how lost i would be
lost in our world
of music n laughing n sarcasm

so i should just shut up now
cuz i want you to kiss me
i try to gather all my thoughts
and i'm hovering between hot and wet
and moans and sighs
trying so hard
not to land
anywhere near
reality
this is so much better
this makeshift ache
just wanting you
to fill up any empty spaces
i may have had in my heart
and my eyes
haven't been the same
since being affected by you
now i see you in my reflection
and i hope you stay there for awhile
but now is what matters
so shut up...
and kiss me

misplaced

2005-12-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

misplaced
misguided
wasted? passion
displaced
by the drain
so redundant, so to blame
discarded by the main
one
i'm focused in on

my big sister now has a blog! check 'er out:)

2005-11-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

so, writing is in our genes n stuff. useless "ellabee" trivia: she once lived in thailand with our mommy when she was like 4--before i was born--where our mom taught english to little thai kids and our dad was in vietnam. her best friends were 2 adorable thai kids named "ping pong" and "pam". me? i once lived in seal beach, cali...where "sunset beach" was ACTUALLY filmed. ha! bet ya didn't know ANY of that and i'm betting you feel OH SO MUCH BETTER NOW. yep. hmmmph. argh. whatever :P

last resort

2005-11-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

wreaking of
last resort
undeservingly
pushed away
i stand up n fight
then crumble...stumble
falling short
without so much as
a sassy girl, wit-drenched retort
mold me shape me fade me as you wish
into the me
i fight so hard not to see
this time...
don't forget my spine

4one3

2005-11-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

the neverending swirl
of your healing but scuffed-up girl

focus on the center
of where we really are meant to be

this swirl begins and ends
at an endless...we

...weren't born at US
but i never felt more life breathed into

...me
at once on roam and at home

and never more free
than when i first laid eyes and heart on

unconditional
four
one
three

safe and secure

2005-11-03T12:31:00.000-05:00

[circa 1995]
safe and secure
in my own private world
i don't want to love you
i don't need that from you
you always leave me
aching and alone
hot and abandoned
flesh still warm
from the love that we made
this time i'm leaving you
the same way you came
without warning or reason
fear
and this stir-crazy itch
my only excuse
but if i have to see
your eyes
one more time
your car parked out front
your jeans on my floor
i'll love you
...and lose.

my friend rob's blog: oodlesOFnoosic

2005-11-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

wilting

2005-10-19T17:54:00.000-05:00

symbols
haunting me
no one else can see
fighting within this self-imposed
lunacy
to prove...all of me...is not lost

---sticking my tongue out
like a stupid, spoiled child---

behind all this madness
those who have sat back
turned a deaf ear on
the sound of the most beautifully, strong
flower
.............wilting
getting so buried
under piles n piles
of careless rubble

dig this light OUT
SAY the words...or
set the broken free
is it still ME?
that pushes n pulls
back from the depths
catching your breath

the answer is...silence
...and so she crawls back under
hiding beneath
tainted, weeping petals
safe...for here and for now

2005-09-30T15:02:00.000-05:00

thursday

2005-09-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

thursday
just another day now
in just another new cycle
of
endless, effortless
nothingness
breathe in

my SUCK

the text message poem

2005-09-29T22:25:00.001-05:00

chasin down the best
better than the rest
talk silentlyEndlesslyNitely
lay my head on ur chest
peace
never cums cheap
cums heavy hard n tight
not effortless
like an unconditional speech
grabbin on 2 my lite
b4
it's all wasted
absorbed n unspent

thighs

2005-09-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

she looked at me with those eyes
the ones that feel like
she's squeezing my heart with her
thighs
and speaking of flesh
i'm gonna leave a mark on those and
mesh
with her heartbeat and mind
sink my teeth in and grind
...away perfectly at her fading jade
revealing the warmth and intensity
that she holds just for me
gushing out in a poetic sliiiide
dripping out onto those thighs
in waves of intense-filled sighs
then i'll look at her with MY eyes
so she'll see the marks
she's left all over me
the perfect reflections
of her sweet lust and crave
tattooed and imprinted
...though she hasn't even tried.

--bpg--

megalomaniacal

2005-09-29T21:41:00.000-05:00

for art
she wastes nothing
but herself
capitalizing on the pain
her words
released
no more is she playing
another's
love

of the game

i just want you

2005-09-28T09:40:00.000-05:00

i just want you straight up, standing up...
deep inside of me
i wanna feel hard
and deep
and alive
n that's just what you do
--don't want to be jaded anymore--
your hands touching me
your kisses and words
your voice n sighs n moans in my ear
make me feel so free
so open my heart back up
and dive right in with both hands
cuz here i am
all head over feet over no one
lost and alone
so shake me
slap me
with your reasons for living
throw me up against my walls
tease and torment me
bring me to my knees
fulfilling all those fantasies
that are just too damn good...
to remain lost in our dreams

swirl (march2005)

2005-09-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

never once did i ask
what would bring me most at peace
with me and myself
with my spirit and heart
too afraid to let go of

let swirl

this choice too big for any
one
forgotten forgiven redheaded poetry girl

thank you for breaking my heart (july 2004)

2005-09-24T10:26:00.000-05:00

thank you for breaking my heart
so that i might sink down
so low
yet mend
tighter this way
it wasn't for nothing
i'm stronger and new
coming around the bend
from impossible bottom
to insurmountable top
face to face with ME
i spit out the bad
and swallowed the lesson
everything absorbed
and i emerged as a force
unstoppable
i am jettisoned
at the peak of my life
moment to moment
if i could hold you right now
you know that i would
but you are so gone from me
as i touch this new face
i am at home
with my every step
that led me here
led me...back to me

half moon (circa 1995)

2005-09-20T07:20:00.000-05:00

half moon
half lit cigarette
half alive
and the wind was knocked out of me
and became this crazy weather
but it was you who was knocked out of me,
shaken loose from my heart
and that part of me that was you,
that walked around n stood around
with me on this earth
disappeared so abruptly
just as you did that last time
but this naive little redhead,
this lost, unrecognizable girl,
was replaced with someone stronger,
someone calmer and with a new craving,
a new craving for life
and i smiled a new smile, singing "stuck in the middle"
as i followed that half moon
with my now half gone cigarette
all the way back home
becoming more and more comfortable
with this new piece of myself
and my renewed peace of mind
and it all happens for a reason
but i won't let fate happen without me
cuz i have a new reason
i have a new craving for life
and i plan to use it and
never lose it this time
and live in this instant
this instant is MINE

little sponge (sept2005)

2005-09-20T07:12:00.000-05:00

i am your sponge
eagerly lapping up
letting seep
deep
into me wholely
your omnipotent
liquid
awaiting its
flow
forcing me to lick at
suck up
sink into
my everlong waiting for you
spaces
smiling me into
a me...all aglow

2005-09-20T06:21:00.001-05:00

Cher n Kacee, mah biatches;)

2005-09-20T06:21:00.000-05:00

my beautiful neice, Cadence:)

2005-09-18T10:04:00.000-05:00

my little buddha boy:)

2005-09-18T09:59:00.000-05:00

my angel doggie...we miss you, woody!

unlearned (nov2004)

2005-09-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

learning things
that can't be unlearned
questioning that
which i believed in the most
protecting myself
from the inevitable burn

if i could build walls
keep myself safe

hide away

inside my heart
i'd lose it
out there
caged inside
the inability to truly create

i make messes
clean up the uncleanable
i make apologies
to the undeserving
i make sacrifices
to the unworthy
and so
everything i've learned...
has changed...the unchangeable

me
i can't unlearn
my past
words spoken
words read
i can't unlearn
my heart
once broken
(he left some tread)

marks on my heart
so careless and quick
can't unlearn
my present...
me
can't unlearn
my gift
of sensing energy
things spoken
things read
can't unlearn
this heartsick mindtrick

me
i can't unlearn
my heart

dorito dust (2003--a co-written poem)

2005-09-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

you absorb my sleep hours
replace them with lust hours
you spread me speechless
making me shake, shiver
for your touch
want to wake up
with your breath in my ear,
your sighs n smirks n eyes
i feel you wanting me
even after your face
has faded from the nite
you're my dorito dust
my undeniable lust
so just c'mere
and swallow me slowly with your touch

2005-09-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

bitemeimwelsh

caught in the cycle

the silent cage

cleveland and vicinity

strange ways...

halloween girl

g-spot

tell me

soulmate

eyes

heads

one

tear down my walls

random and beautiful

all of me

what you are to me

ooh, ooooh! magic!

black n white

luv in b&w (picture circa june 2005)

bitemeimwelsh

in honor of valentine's day yesterday...

thick, deep and swallowed

revelation

L.A.

construction

battle of the album covers

hide

the jellybricks

you said

back to me

so tight

hello goodbye

Her Moon

8/24/2004

irony

hooked

my brand spankin' *smirk* new guestmap

birthday presents...

what happens in vegas...

vegas baby!

vegas (priceless!)

i miss my long hair!

candleglow

residue

I'm a statistic

not now kado

tokens

...everybody else's girl...

carl's jr....the gangstah of coolest of cats

sunday nites...

misplaced

my big sister now has a blog! check 'er out:)

last resort

4one3

safe and secure

my friend rob's blog: oodlesOFnoosic

wilting

thursday

the text message poem

thighs

megalomaniacal

i just want you

swirl (march2005)

thank you for breaking my heart (july 2004)

half moon (circa 1995)

little sponge (sept2005)

unlearned (nov2004)

dorito dust (2003--a co-written poem)

my brand spankin' smirk new guestmap